The title says it all. Let's not waste valuable sprint time on an introduction.
This is (mostly) satire. If any of it ruffles your feathers, rest assured that was the intended purpose.
Disclaimer: No managers were harmed in the making of this guide.
Be power-hungry
Don't be a leader, be a boss. Climb the career ladder one direct report at a time. Feast on 10,000 power calories a day, despite your doctor's best efforts.
Don't spell out the rules
Never make it clear what's expected of the team. They should be able to read your (infinitely wise) mind. If they can't, blame their shaky commitment to that one principle you casually mentioned during a 10 a.m. meeting while half the team was on holiday.
Don't praise good performance
Take it all for granted. If anything is going well, it's obviously thanks to your eminent presence. You are the source of life, light and quarterly growth in this corner of the universe.
Don't course-correct underperformers
Let the dead weight accumulate as the team sails into troubled waters. Mistake the violins playing in the background for team harmony. When the iceberg appears, send a motivational group message.
Never admit your mistakes
Keep your hands clean. Maintain a healthy herd of scapegoats within walking distance of the altar. When disaster strikes, delegate a sacrifice. Repeat as needed.
Follow everything by the book
Pragmatism is a nasty word. Carve the industry's "best practices" on everyone's forehead, especially those who ask "what if?" and "why not?" Sort the scars by depth for quick retrieval.
Be thin-skinned
Dermatologists call it Epidermis Fragilis Egocentricus and prescribe a daily dose of ego massage. It's a lifelong, incurable condition. Fortunately, your team can help you manage it.
Ration your one-on-ones
Thrive on manufactured scarcity. Let your reports rejoice at their yearly summons to your court. Grant each of them fifteen precious minutes with the crown.
Reward optics over results
The best work appears in PowerPoint, not ProDuction. Incentivise your team to blabber, boast and bluff. Why ship features when you can ship decks?
Change priorities constantly
Change priorities weekly to be on the safe side. Keep the team sprinting on a well-oiled hamster wheel. Celebrate the journey, not the destination—that's the secret to an agile team.